The Debt Crisis

I keep hearing about how we’re going to be crushed under the weight of our government’s massive spending and debt problems here in America. I hear the Pentagon said the debt crisis is the greatest threat this country has ever faced (!). Political and financial analysts say the biggest problems are entitlements like Social Security and Medicare, but that nobody’s willing to address these issues because they want to be re-elected. It’s getting to the point where in order to solve our debt problems, we’re going to have to go to a system like the carousel from Logan’s Run, were everyone over 30 is simply killed off with laser beams to the mellifluous chants of: “Renew! Renew!” (Well, everyone over 30 except me, that is: I came up with the idea, so of course I should get an exemption!) Then we won’t have to spend any money on Social Security or Medicare anymore, saving the country from the threats of insolvency, bankruptcy, currency collapse, and economic depression. And then, since I saved the country by solving the debt crisis, naturally I should get to run the country and make all the decisions. Hey, I’d be the only one with enough life experience under my belt to trust with such important things, since you guys murdered all the old people, so you’d have to let me do it! Besides, since you guys killed everyone over 30, you’re just a bunch of murderers anyway, so we couldn’t trust you with anything anyway, right? And so that’s why you should all vote for me for president: because I’ll bring “real world solutions” to our nation’s problems like the debt crisis.