There is a lot of to-do over the TSA screeners frisking a baby this week in Kansas City. This whole thing is silly, but I guess just to calm you all down, I have to leak some classified intel. (Don’t tell anyone; it’s supposed to be a secret!) Now, it is not widely known, but it has been recently revealed in the collection of computer files confiscated from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound that he’s got another son, a dedicated terrorist and maniac, as well as a baby, who is planning on attacking us here in the US. His name is “Baby-Face Bin Laden”. Now they couldn’t be certain that baby wasn’t him, so they had to be sure. And they’ll just have to keep on feeling up every other baby who tries to fly on an airplane, because they are sworn to protect us. If you object to this kind of invasive pediatric pat down, then you obviously are a terrorist who hates America, and you should turn yourself in to the NSA before they come and kick your door down.
The NTSB and the NSA could easily solve this problem and avoid all of this flak by just making it illegal for babies to fly on airplanes to begin with. Even if the babies aren’t all terrorists, and they probably are, you know they’re just going to cry and whine and drool and go to the bathroom in their diapers for the whole flight just to annoy and unnerve all the surrounding passengers. They do it on purpose, and we let them get away with it just because they’re cute! Well, they’ve learned from this and now they’re always trying to push the envelope to find out just how much they can get away with! You know it’s true. Plus, even if they’re nice babies who’ve never bothered anyone, after these rough TSA pat downs, you know they’re going to become radicalized reactionaries and join the infantile jihadist movement. They will use this TSA frisking issue just like al Qaida uses Gitmo: as a recruiting tool! Then we’ll be up to our eyeballs in terrorist toddlers and baby bombers! We’re all doomed!
(But you know, the guy who tweeted pictures of this incident’s name is a Rev. Jacob Jester. That’s right: “Jester”. Perhaps that’s code that the whole thing was cooked up by this guy as a jest, and he identified himself with the laughably obvious phony name Jester just to give us a clue. Very funny, Mr. “Jester”, if that is your real name…)
Here’s the article about the baby pat down (They don’t mention the part about them looking for “Baby-Face Bin Laden”, but that’s because it’s a secret.):
