Yes, it’s Friday the 13th again, and many will celebrate this year by donning their hockey masks and looking for naughty teens fornicating in automobiles to chop up with their machetes. But it’s not as easy as it was in other, more innocent times. I’m afraid we’ve degenerated much as a society, and it’s made things more difficult for the traditional slashers.
Yes, it used to be that you could just put on that hockey goalie’s mask and saunter on down to your local “lover’s lane” and start slicing away; no longer, I’m afraid. Yes, times have changed, and we must change with them. It used to be that a hockey goalie’s mask would hide your face and offer you protection from identification. But anyone who watches hockey nowadays knows that a contemporary hockey goalie’s mask has a clear plexiglass front, so unless some bright light is reflecting off of it at the time, or perhaps you’ve planned ahead and are already wearing another mask underneath the hockey goalie mask, they’re going to recognize you if they survive. I know, right? Lame. And what’s worse, the new laws say that you still have to wear the hockey mask anyway! How stupid is that? Yet more government intervention getting in the way of American jobs!
Other changes in society have made things unfair for the “Jasons” among us as well. Teens are all on the computers these days. And with videogames as cool as they are, they almost never want to leave the house. Plus, with all this paranoid “stranger danger” stuff, it’s getting to where the slashers can’t even get to anyone anymore. It’s so unfair! I’m telling you: it’s getting to the point where they’re just going to have to stay home and play video games themselves! Well, at least they’re all violent murder-fests that almost look as gory as the real thing, so I suppose they’re not really missing out on all that much after all. But seriously, with all these kids growing up playing all this gory, violent, blood-soaked mayhem all day every day, it’s getting kinda scary out there! Pretty soon even Jason himself (the real one, not the wannabes!) will start blowing it off and letting kids get away with having pre-marital sex again. We all know that Jason’s killing sprees are the sole reason the teen pregnancy rates in the US have been going down lately (sorry Bush admin, it wasn’t you guys!). But once he gives up on the whole thing, we’ll be drowning in unwed teen mothers and their bouncing bundles of joy. Just wait and see!
