Tonight on 60 Minutes, some guy named Tyler Hamilton recounts the ridiculous story that Lance Armstrong was using banned substances and doping to win all his Tour de Frances and stuff. He’s only the greatest cyclist in all of ever, so how could anyone ever doubt him? So this guy* asks Tyler Hamilton whether or not he’s saying all this stuff because he’s being pressured into it by investigators or prosecutors in his case, and he said no. Yeah, right! Of course he’d say no! But it makes nothing but sense that the United States would do whatever it could to get famous American athletes discredited so that they have to give back all their championship titles and medals and stuff so that other countries could get them instead and the United States would be humiliated and vilified in the eyes of the world. What would make more sense than that? Naturally, they’d use every dirty trick in their arsenal to force honest athletes to disgrace other honest American athletes, right? No? Okay, maybe not, if you think about things rationally, but there is a very understandable explanation for why the FBI and the Justice Department is trying to discredit all American athletes and strip them of all their awards and medals.
So, who is it that populates agencies like the US Justice Department and the FBI? It’s nerds, right? And who is being harassed and outed for alleged substance abuse that would discredit them and strip them of all their achievements? It’s athletes, right? And what’s another term to use for athletes? It’s jocks, isn’t it? So isn’t it clear what’s really going on here? Obviously, these lawyers, prosecutors and investigators got teased, bullied, and beaten up by jocks in high school. They were subjected to the daily indignity of public wedgies and purple nurples, and they swore to themselves that someday, when they were in charge, they’d get even with those jocks, no matter what the cost! And obviously the cost is our nation’s international athletic prestige! But that doesn’t matter to these nerds! They love being in the position to pressure these jocks to lie and to destroy their idols so much, they don’t care how bad it makes America look, or who it destroys! So we all know what’s really going on here, right? No matter what they force their victims to say, and who it makes look bad, we know our athletes are innocent. Nice try, nerds, but we’re on to you!
* I’m sorry, but I just don’t know this guy’s name. He’s got white hair, but he’s not Anderson Cooper. I keep thinking his name is Steve Kroft, but that guy’s got a crater face with this obviously dyed auburn hair, so it’s not him. Not that I’m trying to insult Steve Kroft, you understand: I’m just trying to accurately describe what he looks like. Sorry if it sounded mean or anything. (By the way, it’s interesting that MS Word keeps trying to say that ‘Kroft’ is spelled wrong, and that ‘Croft’ is correct. This is clearly because Microsoft owns NBC, and Steve Kroft works for CBS, so they’re obviously trying to get me to spell his name wrong out of spite!)
