Okay, this is obviously some kind of communist plot. Why communist? Well, we all know that hippies are commies, and that Michelle Obama is a commie from that New Yorker cover, right? And she’s the one trying to force us against our wills to be fit and look good, right? You know it’s true!
So then I realized instantly it was her fault, and hers alone, when I went back to buy new jeans for the first time in a couple of years. You see, I’m a 34-inch waist now, but when I tried on new jeans with 34-inch waists, they were all too small. (I still have a few pairs of the 34-inch-waist jeans of the same brand from two years ago, and they all still fit fine, so it isn’t just me.) So they didn’t have 35-inch waists, so I had to get 36-inch-waist jeans! Did you see how she and the hippies did it this time? They forced jean-makers to shrink their sizes so that everyone would think they were fat, and then they forced them to make only every-other size so that we’d feel even fatter! So then they’ll make us all self-conscious and want to start working out and hence lose weight and become more physically fit. It’s obviously a plot, right?
But here’s the rub (besides the rub from your pants being too tight, that is): What if their hippie meddling makes people become so depressed about their (falsely) perceived weight gain that they get completely depressed and become total couch potatoes? Then they would be killing them! I’ve always told you that when the hippies got control of things, they’d try to kill us all; well, here’s the proof! They want us to starve ourselves to death or else become so depressed that we can’t muster the strength or courage to counter them! And this is just the first step!
I’m telling you, you’ll all realize it’s too late to stop them if you blow it off (like I did ) and just get the 36-inch waist rather than just suck it up and get the too-tight 34-inch-waist jeans, because the tight pants will remind you to fight for your rights! (Plus, tight jeans are really in fashion now! Just check out the link below if you don’t believe me.)
Here’s a link to a GQ magazine story about which jeans you have to buy to be cool:
