That’s right: The end of the world is tomorrow!*
Some guy said so, and guys don’t just lie about stuff, do they? So it must be true!
Okay, I know a lot of different people have predicted the end of the world many times before, and they’ve always been wrong, but this time it’s really true! (I’m still glad it’s on a Saturday, just in case it isn’t the end of the world, so nobody skips work and gets in trouble just because there’s still a world left afterwards. That truly would be bittersweet, unless you hated your job and were looking for an excuse to quit anyway.) So you’d better get ready! I know many people may want to toss their whole bottles of Ambien down their throats and give up when they think about what’s coming, but I want to urge all of you: don’t!
Look, we all know what to expect, right? Some big beast with seven heads wearing tiaras or something, four dudes riding around on colored horsies, a dragon, lots of fire and blood, false prophets, and all kinds of other cool stuff! It might sound scary, but when you really think about it, doesn’t it just sound like a video game? Man, we’ve been playing and having fun with this kind of stuff for years, and you’re going to get scared of it now? Dude, it’s going to be ten times as awesome in real life! This is something to sit back and enjoy! You’ve got to see this, so don’t commit suicide, please!
The only fear I have is that after all these apocalypse movies and video games have made it look all cool and desensitized us to the horror of it all, the real thing, when it comes, might be an anticlimactic letdown. That would be totally bogus, getting us all worked-up about it for so long just to have our hopes dashed with underwhelming disappointment. I mean, what if it’s not even all that apocalyptic? What if it’s just like it says in the Book of Revelations, but it’s like an elementary school play version of it? Like, maybe there’s a beast of the apocalypse, but it just ends up being two guys in a pantomime beast-of-the-apocalypse suit, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse are just guys in Halloween costumes riding around on ponies and stuff. And what if the whore of Babylon turns out to have been a regular on HBO’s show Cathouse who is really just from Babylon, Long Island? It could happen! I guess all I’m saying is don’t get your hopes up too much; that way if it sucks you won’t be disappointed, but if it’s awesome, it will seem even awesomer!
Okay, well I hope I’ll see you all there at the apocalypse this Saturday. It will be awesome awesome awesome!! But don’t worry, if we miss each other then, I’m sure I’ll see you in hell later!
* (That was May 21, 2011, for curious mutated whatevers that end up ruling the burnt-out cinder of a world that’s left after Saturday and wanted to know when the humans were all snuffed out.)
