The rankings for “best burger cities” is out (well, on Yahoo! anyway, if you can trust those losers…), and Los Angeles is not even on the list!!!!* But, but… We have nothing else to eat here (besides overpriced sushi and Mexican food)! (For real: you can’t look anywhere in your whole field of vision without seeing a burger joint here, and this city is as big as some states! I’m not kidding either! But we still don’t have a White Castle! WTF!?) Look, even if they’re terrible-tasting burgers, you’ve got to at least give us the “nostalgia thing”, right? I mean, you can get a burger at a Mel’s Diner, so it’s almost like you’re in American Graffiti, and that’s got to make it taste better, right? No? ({defeated} sigh.)
Alright, so maybe they import the burgers people eat in movies, but doesn’t the glitz and glamour make things taste better out here? I mean, come on! I have read that it’s what things smell like that is more important than taste to how we perceive tastiness anyway, and you mean to tell me that New York City is a better city for burgers even with all that urine smell? And if smell is good, how about looks? That’s got to help, right? (Hey, look: It’s Sarah Michelle Gellar! That burger tastes better already, right?) But I suppose I can take some small comfort in the fact that if people are traveling all over the country to find the best burger, they’re really lame anyway, so screw them. (Losers!)
Okay, maybe I’m taking it too personally. That’s an odd thing to do about a city you dislike, but I suppose there’s always a subjective pride of place for everyone, huh? When I was first thinking of moving to Los Angeles, a friend in San Francisco said to another friend of his who knew L.A. well to say something nice about Los Angeles (it’s not easy, if you know it well), and he said: “Um, it’s easy to get a burger?” Alright, so maybe it’s my fault for taking that hamburger-related quote and assuming the burgers must be good if they’re so easy to get. But seriously, if you’ve ever lived in Los Angeles, you’d know that burgers are the heart and soul of the city, next to plastic surgery and falsies. Oh, and I guess Hollywood. (After a while, you kind of forget it’s here, even if you work in it, because it’s nothing like people think it is.) So if they’re not any good here, then are we really worth anything? I’m beginning to think the whole place is fake! (And not just the people…)
* Here’s the stupid fucking list (Wait ‘till I get my hands on those guys!!):
