People who have read this blog know that I have offered effective, if improbable, solutions to some of the greatest problems facing America today. They would all work, but you’ve all chosen to ignore my suggestions. That’s okay, I’m not concerned about it; it will be on all of your heads when it hits the fan. I did my part!
Okay, so maybe my plans haven’t been the most practical or realistic options thus far, but this time I really have the perfect solution to the budget deficit and for the interrogation quandary.
We all know that we want to torture all the terrorists, but mean guys like Barack Obama and Eric Holder always buzzkill all of our fun, right? And we’ve all realized from watching Hannity and 24 that the only way to get any useful intel from terrorist detainees is to torture them, right? I know that they say most of the good intel came from other kinds of interrogation tactics, but I’m just going to assume they’re lying because they want to spoil all of our fun. So okay, we’re not allowed to do it, because “America does not torture!” Okay, fine, so we won’t do it. (Get my drift?)
You guys have all seen the Hostel movies, right? They’re the ones where these über-rich playboys with a twisted streak pay multi-millions to come to some Eastern European country and torture tourists kidnapped from a local youth hostel. I mean, that’s probably happening somewhere, right? Well, here’s how we can get the type of interrogation intel we need, and get paid million upon millions of dollars in the process to close our budget gap, and we will still be able to say: “America does not torture!”
That’s right: I’m talking about extending a service to rich perverts and sadists where they get to come down to Gitmo or wherever and torture terrorism detainees for an exorbitant fee. It would be technically fine, because Americans wouldn’t be torturing them, right? And think of all the money we could make! Oh, and while they’re torturing the detainees, we could just have like a CIA guy happen to be there coincidentally and ask the guy some questions, and I’m sure we’d get all the terrorist secrets we can handle. See how easy this would be? And we could still say that America doesn’t torture, since it would always be someone else doing it, and they’d be giving us millions and millions of dollars to pay for the budget deficit. It’s foolproof!
Well, you might not want to do it, but it would work great! You have to at least admit that! Hey, if we couldn’t get enough international playboys to do it, maybe we could let Americans do it secretly by giving them fake foreign passports and teaching them how to speak English in different foreign-sounding accents. They could just watch that most recent E-Trade ad to learn how to do the Italian accent.
