So, it seems that the food Nazis are going to remove the last bit of enjoyment from kids’ meals just to be sure they don’t like to eat anything. Maybe that way they’ll lose weight. Unless they’re already skinny and picky eaters, in which case it may actually end up murdering them. But whatever: some kids are fat, so everyone must suffer! You think overweight kids get beaten up and picked on now? Imagine what it’s going to be like for them when nobody else will get to enjoy food ever again because of their obesity! Yikes!
A comedian, (the late) Mike DeStefano, had a bit where he said that chocolate milk is the root of all happiness, and that in the afterlife, everyone will be drinking chocolate milk in heaven.* So obviously the government is trying to prevent children from experiencing any happiness; it doesn’t have anything to do with obesity after all! They just hate kids! Maybe this is a way to get back at naughty kids now that there’s no way to punish any of them anymore. But who’s fault is that anyway? It’s the same über-liberals who want to ban chocolate milk! So if they just let us discipline kids, they wouldn’t have to resort to these underhanded revenge plots to torture kids through denying them enjoyment from food! Oh, the unintended consequences of liberal policies… I mean, really!
Surely we all realize there’s going to be some kind of brutal black market for yummy junk food in schools soon. Mark my words! You think the Mexican drug cartels are dangerous? You just try getting in between a growing child and their food treats! You haven’t seen viciousness until you’ve exposed yourself to that! And what the kids will be sneaking into schools will be way more fattening and bad for them than what was previously available in the cafeteria! It’s just like the drug war: make pot illegal, and all of a sudden everyone’s smuggling and addicted to the hard stuff like heroin and crack cocaine! If they’re going to take a chance of smuggling stuff when it’s against the law, it only makes sense to smuggle the strongest, purest, most dangerous stuff that sells for the most money, right? So rather than chocolate milk, it will be Ho Hos and Devil Dogs and Ding Dongs and Jolt Cola and stuff: the worst junk imaginable! The kids will all be shaking and convulsing and having hyperactive spaz attacks from all the sugar overload! I’m telling you, like the dangers of bathtub gin during prohibition, and the huge escalation in mafia violence from that period, you’re condemning the youth of today to the very same curse in our schools when you deny them at least some tasty food in the cafeteria.
Then there will be gangs of Hostess Twinkies smugglers taking on smugglers of Moon Pies and cartels of Hershey bar mules for control of schoolyard turf. The school hallways will run red with blood, and white with crème filling and nougat! The violence will spill out into the streets, leaving a trail of devil’s-food-cake crumbs, frosting and ants in its wake! I’m telling you, it will be a madhouse, a madhouse, like Charlton Heston said. Or was that about something else? Oh, whatever. But it will happen just the same, and everyone’s life will be in jeopardy! The future of our nation will hang in the balance! And we’ll be overrun with pint-sized hoodlums and gangsters smuggling moist, flaky, crème-filled contraband in their book-bags, rotting teeth out left and right in a wake of sugary destruction and diabetes! All this will come to pass as a result of these draconian school lunch policies, mark my words. These are the unintended consequences of liberal government run amok!
Here are the news stories:
* You know what? Since the issue of heaven is raised here, perhaps this is just a separation of church and state issue. Maybe if they let kids have chocolate milk, it’s the same as forcing kids to pray in school. I guess this is another one for the Supreme Court to decide.
