I’m really sorry, but I’ve seriously dropped the ball here! I should have realized before now that a “baker’s dozen” equals thirteen! And you know what that means, right? Yes, I’m afraid it’s true: bakeries are the source of all the bad luck in the world!
Yes, I know that we’ve all been tricked into thinking that the source for the unluckiness of the number 13 comes from the date that the Knights Templar were snuffed out in 1307, on a Friday, October the 13th. There’s two thirteens in that date, so what else were we supposed to think? Of course, that’s part of the conspiracy!
You see, it’s like this: once someone destroys another group or culture, they get to write the history about it. So it’s obvious, isn’t it, that the bread bakers conspired to destroy the Knights Templar, and then threatened the rest of Europe with starvation if they didn’t agree to say that someone else did it? I mean, right? Really; what else could be possible?
I know that there’s all this crap about a French king and yadda yadda… Right: whatever! We all know that’s bullshit, right? Think about how bossy French chefs are, though! Where do you suppose they get that from? Do you really think that even French people would have put up with that shit from some stupid cook if they didn’t have something else much more dangerous hanging over their heads? Think about it: really! And when you consider that New York City restaurants would have French restaurants consistently ranking on top of their Zagat’s list, what else could you possibly conclude?
Okay, for those of you who have lost me somewhere along the way, here it is: It wasn’t the French king who did it to the Templars, it was the French bakers! They did it! That’s why a baker’s dozen is 13! They were cursed by Satan for their guilt in the conspiracy, and henceforth had to secretly admit their guilt by association in their use of the term “baker’s dozen”, which we all know is what number? That’s right: thirteen! It obviously proves it! What else do you need? (Hey, if you swallowed the da Vinci Code, why not this? What if I told you that Dan Brown had thought of it? Would you buy it then? Well… Okay, he didn’t. But it’s still true!)
So, for all of us who shudder at the unluckiness of the number 13, for all of us who have to go through our lives dreading the curse of 13, for everyone who has ever wondered why there wasn’t a 13th floor on an elevator, and for everyone who has ever suffered through a Friday the 13th movie, we now know who to blame: bakers and bakeries! Seriously, if it’s not all their fault, then why are bread, cake, crackers and grain the most fattening foods around? I’ll tell you why! Because that’s Satan’s price for helping them destroy the Knights Templar, and we’re all still paying it today! You know I’m right, or else we’d all get to eat bread and cake all day and not have to worry about our weight, like we can do with celery! See? It’s true! I told you!
