We’re all familiar with the Keystone Light ads, right? You know, the ones where some redneck named Keith Stone out-smoothes everyone and gets the girl, which no doubt leads to some sexual-misconduct charge later on, or at least some welfare kids out of wedlock. In any case, I think we’re mostly familiar with this guy at this point, if not disillusioned as to the fantasy element present in this campaign. But whatever.
The most recent ad I’ve seen shows Keith Stone skating around a roller-skating rink with a girl with a broken leg. He guides her along the rink, while she holds his 12-pack of Keystone Light cans (classy!) on her shoulder like a boom-box. Now, this is an all-American milieu, yes? Of course it is! Could you see Keith Stone winning the ladies’ favors in, say, Spain or Germany? How about China or Pakistan? No? I didn’t think so. And since this is an absolutely American story we’ve got here, I think we’ve got to have it expressed the way it deserves to be: on the world stage!
Yes, of course I’m talking about having newly-crowned world champion American ice dancers Davis & White using this roller-skating ad as the template for next year’s program! This pair has just had a perfect competitive season, where they’ve won every gold medal there is in their sport for this year; but throughout their competitive career, they’ve had to dance in all kinds of pansy-ass styles celebrating all kinds of cultures that are not #1 like America is. Now that they’re indisputably on top of the world, I think they owe it to the world to show what America is all about by doing an ice-dancing version of the Keystone Light roller-rink ad. Until we all get to see them win a gold medal with Meryl Davis sporting a leg cast and holding a 12-pack of Keystone Light cans over her shoulder, while Charlie sports a mullet, CAT-Power hat, and plaid flannel shirt, skating to “Free Bird” or “Flirtin’ with Disaster”, the sport of ice dancing might as well be ruled by foreigners! And we can’t have that!
No, like Spider-Man said, with great power comes great responsibility, and when he said that, I’m sure what he meant was that the American ice dancing team owes it to the world to do a southern-fried Keith Stone ad program. After all, what’s the point of saying America is #1 all the time if we can’t rub everyone else’s nose in it with stuff like this? That’s why we’ve got to do it!
Here’s the ad (Can’t you just see Davis & White winning the next Olympics with this?):
