A new study suggests that reducing salt does not reduce heart risks, and that salt may not be bad for you after all. I knew it! I always knew that this slanderous salty talk was a plot cooked-up by hippies (without any salt for flavor!) to make all of our food taste bland and lame. Why would they do such a thing? It’s obvious, isn’t it?
You see, it all comes down to the fact that hippies have been trying to brainwash us all for years (while avoiding washing any part of themselves for just as long!). They love to guilt-trip people about stuff and try to force everyone to save the whales (which I’ve heard are really delicious with lots of salt), stop wearing natural fur (in an obvious plot to try to get a monopoly on dangerous chemicals used to make fake fur with), stop eating meat, etc. You see, if they could trick us into thinking salt was bad for us, maybe we’d stop putting it on our food. Then, once we’ve all gotten used to bland, yucky food, they could secretly start replacing what we eat with tofu and dirt and stuff, and maybe we’d never even notice! Just go look through the supermarket sometime, and you’ll see evidence of this obvious conspiracy everywhere, in the form of “low sodium” soups that taste like feet, fake bacon and meat made out of tofu with sneaky names to make you think it’s just some exotic cut of meat, and all kinds of crap made out of bean sprouts and egg whites.
I’m telling you: just go look! They even make cookies that taste like dirt now at the “organic” ‘super’markets, just to ruin children’s lives and get them so depressed that they’ll start smoking marijuana and become hippies themselves! And once they get all the kids turned into angry hippies all whipped up into a rage because they weren’t allowed to ever eat anything that tasted good, they’ll spend their whole lives being sure that nobody else is ever allowed to eat anything tasty again out of revenge! Then it’s a vicious circle of pot smoking and tofu binge eating for everyone! After all, why do you think hippies smoke pot in the first place? It’s obviously true that the only way they can get themselves to eat all that horrible tasting hippie food is to be stoned and get the munchies! And they want to force us to do it too! Mark my words! They’re doing it right now! Wake up America!
But there is good news. Purely by accident, I have found that salt not only makes your food taste great and reverses all the years of depression and desperation, but it also repels and destroys hippies like when your pour it on a slug! So remember: this new study, from wherever it was done, definitively proves that salt isn’t bad for you in any way, shape or form whatsoever, except for when you’re deprived of it! So eat all you can, and keep salt-licks around your house just in case hippies break in and steal your stash of Morton’s iodized salt. And whatever you do, never go anywhere without a shaker or packet of salt with you at all times so that you can repel, wither and destroy the meddling hippie menace once and for all, wherever it rears its ugly, stoned head! It is said in black magic movies that salt is a protection against evil, and now I finally understand why!
Here is the story that proves that salt is good for you and hippies have been trying to kill you by denying you all you want!:
