I was watching Freddie Vs. Jason again on one of my many movie channels, and it got me thinking once again of other great horror movie killer match-ups we could hope to see in movies. Naturally Jason Vs. Michael Myers would be nice, if predictably dull, but what about something a little more interesting: a killer doll vs. a killer doll? And what better match-up than Chuckie from the Child’s Play movies fighting to the death against everybody’s favorite killer doll, the killer warrior fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror? Yes, this time it’s two disembodied spirits trapped inside killer dolls, fighting to the finish over, um, I guess which doll gets to keep killing people in movies, or something. And who wouldn’t want to see that?
And how about some witch-fighting movies while we’re at it, like The Blair Witch Vs. Charmed, or The Wicked Witch of the West Vs. Elena Markos (from Suspiria)? Or how about some vampire movie character showdowns, like Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter Vs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? (Dying vampires could tell each of them that the other was talking sh!t about them, and just keep keep laying it on thicker and thicker until they had to confront each other and have it out.) Or, for that matter, how about Spike Vs. Dracula? Or even better, Dracula Vs. The Cullens, where Dracula slaughters them all for being such ‘chick flick’ pansies. Or maybe Lestat Vs. Edward? How about maybe Carmilla Vs. Bella? (We’ve got to have a catfight in there somewhere, right? I mean, just for the sake of gender equality and everything.)
Or, maybe, because Siskel & Ebert hated slasher movies so much, how about Siskel & Ebert Vs. The Slasher Killers? What happens here is that a rogue astrophysicist’s daughter is killed at Camp Crystal Lake after his unthinking ex-wife sends her there, and remembering Siskel & Ebert’s hatred of slasher movies, he brings them both back through time from an old show where they’re railing against slasher movies, at a time when they’d be sure to be raring to go against slasher killers, through an artificially-created time warp, and gives them super powers from his experimental ray gun, the “God Particle Power Creator Beam”. This super power-enabling ray gives Siskel & Ebert the ability to bring slasher killers (like Jason from Friday the 13th, Michael Myers from Halloween, and all those killers from the 1980s slasher movies named after holidays and stuff) into the world of great classic movies, where Siskel & Ebert get them killed in a variety of creative ways: destroyed by Martians in War of the Worlds, killed by the Frankenstein monster in Bride of Frankenstein, consumed in the burning of Atlanta in Gone with the Wind, drowned in oil in Giant, killed by Nazis in Casablanca, eaten by the shark in Jaws, ironically stabbed to death by Norman Bates in Psycho, etc. They would have Freddy Krueger-style powers, but they wouldn’t use them to such prosaic, pedestrian effect, like just stabbing and eviscerating people; no, these men appreciate the possibilities of great filmmaking, and they’d use it as a weapon against the perpetrators of the genre they revile as mere unimaginative, cynical schlock. Now wouldn’t you pay to see that?
