I was reading an article about advertising profits and what they revealed about the state of the industry, and I noticed that one large advertising conglomerate owns a company called “Captivate” that does advertising for elevators. I love that they use the word “captive”, as in a captive audience, in the name of their company. It makes it feel like they exploit people they imprison, which seems true in spirit at least, doesn’t it? But the state of elevator advertising fails to truly exploit the possibilities of the captive audience, and that’s why I’m going to lay out here my vision for the ultimate elevator advertising company strategy.
Now first off, we all understand that people in an elevator are a captive audience, but that doesn’t mean they will look at your advertising, right? Well that’s why it’s so great that you’ve got them in an elevator! What elevator ad firms could do to ensure that elevator passengers will definitely look at the ads is practically limitless. First off, they could install a camera in all of the elevators they place ads in (it wouldn’t even have to be a real camera; it would only have to seem real). Then they could have a voice on the intercom say: “We’re watching all of you on our camera, and if you don’t look at the ads, we’ll send you plummeting to your deaths.” Or, if that’s too grim of a threat, how about this one instead: Stop the elevator between floors, and have the voice say: “The elevator has stopped, and it will remain stalled until all of you look at the advertising in the elevator here. We’re watching you through the video camera, so we’ll know if you do it or not, so you better all do it if you ever want to get out of this elevator.” And if this does not produce immediate action, a contingency plan could be either to have the elevator walls slowly begin closing in on passengers, or else have the floor slowly begin pulling out from beneath panicked passengers’ feet, or perhaps long sharp spikes could descend from the ceiling instead, until everyone started looking at the ads. Also, they might simply play the most annoying music imaginable in the elevator, and make the announcement at each floor that for everyone who looks at the ads, they will turn the volume down, and for everyone who does not look at the ads, the will turn the volume up.
But threat tactics might not always work. There’s always someone who just has to rebel against authority or who does the opposite of what they’re told. And there’s also always the possibility that some tattletale will rat the company out to the police or something just like some goody-goody teacher’s pet at school. So with this in mind, there are other possible strategies to aid in making elevator passengers look at the advertising in the elevator. It’s possible to spray some kind of psychotropic narcotic mist into the elevator, and then have a calm, soothing voice say: “You are feeling very compelled to look at the advertising on the walls of this elevator. Why don’t you just do it? It will make you feel better.” And maybe they could even hypnotize people into purchasing the products in the ads. Or else perhaps they could stop the elevator between floors and say: “We’re sorry. There’s been a technical problem, and we’ll have this elevator back up and running as soon as possible. In the mean time, while you’re waiting, you might want to check out some of the advertising we’ve placed on the walls. It’s very interesting and informative.”
There’s a myriad of potential strategies to implement in the exciting field of elevator advertising which companies are not yet taking advantage of. But hopefully soon all of our lives will be drastically improved with the coming miracle of elevator advertising possibilities!
Here’s the captivating commercial column:
