We all know about this Julian Assange embassy showdown
situation by now I’m sure. The British government refuses to let him have safe
passage out of England, and he can’t leave the Ecuadorian embassy without getting
nicked by bobbies bent on sending him to Sweden to be put to the question.
Well, he may have to stay in that embassy for quite some time, and he may need
to earn some money to cover his expenses. (Or else he may want to flaunt his
celebrity a bit more, or perhaps taunt his persecutors.)
As one of the world’s most famous people in one of the most
high-profile situations on Earth right now, Mr. Assange’s every move is being
followed by news sources worldwide. And you know what that means: lots of
eyeballs on lots of TV screens everywhere! And there’s just nothing advertisers
want more than lots of eyeballs watching! So, seeing as how he is in quite a
unique position right about now, there are many potential advertising possibilities for
his unique position.
To make the most of his situation, and to rub in his
outmaneuvering of the English law by managing to get just out of reach of the
long arm of the law right under the very noses, Mr. Assange would be a prime
candidate for a number of fun TV commercials that would play on the current
standoff. Firstly, for example, he could make a TV commercial for a pizza
delivery service. They could say: “Want a delicious pizza but don’t want to (or
can’t) leave your residence? Then call (whatever pizza place), and we’ll deliver
a hot, delicious pizza right to your door!” (And they could show Assange imagining a delicious pizza in a thought bubble, and worrying about getting arrested if he leaves, but then remembering the pizza place, and calling them on the phone. Then we see the delivery guy arriving, being admitted into the embassy, and then personally delivering the pizza to Mr. Assange inside the embassy.)
Also he could do a cute ad for the Smart Car, where they
say: “You’ve got a conundrum: You’ve got to get from the embassy to the airport
without stepping on English soil. Well that’s no problem with a diplomatic Smart
Car!” And then they show the teensy little Smart Car driving through the
cramped front gate, driving up the walkway, pulling right up to the front door
of the Ecuadorian embassy, and then he gets in and drives off. Then the car is
shown driving through the airport and to the gate, and then driving down the
airplane walkway, where it stops and lets Assange out right into the airplane
door.
In another possible ad, Assange could have his story told
briefly, and have them mention how distinctive he looks with his white-blonde
hair, and how everyone would instantly recognize him wherever he went, etc., so
he has no possibility of escape. Then some guy with dark hair and a mousatche
walks out of the embassy, and the news people say: “That’s not him.” (Etc.) Oh,
but then they show news footage of Assange arriving in Ecuador with dark hair,
and they talk about how natural this brand of hair dye the commercial is for
looks.
Also, maybe some shipping company could make fun of this
situation by showing a delivery guy coming to the embassy, and picking up a
large box and taking it away. Then we see news footage of Assange arriving at
the presidential palace in Ecuador, and the shipping company ad says: “We’ll
deliver anything reliably and securely for a low rate. Once we pick up a
package, there’s nothing on Earth that can stop it from reaching its
destination on time, guaranteed!”
Or maybe an Internet service provider could make a
commercial using this situation to their advantage. They could say that even if
you’re hold up in a cramped and unfamiliar building and you can never leave,
you can still run an empire of Internet activities right from your laptop. And
with lightning-fast download speeds, etc., you can download, stream, publish,
etc., all the top-secret leaked videos you can get your hands on!
Or how about something to do with stress and cramped quarters, like an anti-perspirant? Maybe some clinical-strength anti-perspirant could make a commercial talking about how if you’re counting on the kindness of others to keep you safe in a cramped environment during stressful times, you don’t want to turn them against you with underarm odor! And that's why you should use their brand of underarm anti-perspirant: it has the strength to protect you under the harshest conditions. And they could say: “When stress makes you sweat, (brand) keeps you dry!” Or maybe: “When life stinks, (brand) keeps you smelling like a rose!”
And since he’s stuck in the Ecuadorian embassy, perhaps he could do ads for some language program like Rosetta Stone. They could say he didn’t speak any Spanish, but he had to learn quickly to apply for asylum, communicate with embassy staff, etc. Then they could claim that with any competing language learning system, the embassy staff just would have shrugged their shoulders from not understanding him, and he would have been tossed out on his ear, arrested and sent to Gitmo. Oh, but thanks to learning Spanish quickly, he was granted asylum in a South American country pronto! So remember: when you find yourself on the run from international spies and military intelligence agencies, there's only one language system that helps you learn a new language quickly enough to escape!
Plus, since he has just referred to a “witch hunt” against
himself and Wikileaks, perhaps he could do ads for Miracle Whip. They have
those ads with the witch hunt theme lately, so maybe they could take the witch
hunt ad campaign idea from a new angle and have Julian Assange exhibit a sense
of solidarity with Miracle Whip, seeing as how it has been the target of a
recent and very public witch hunt as well. And since it is the same color as his hair, they have that in common as well, so they can relate on yet another level.
And who knows: Maybe while they are shooting one of these ads,
he could get some stand-in/double to take his place, and he could sneak away
and out of the country in the confusion of the filming process. At the very least, he could start a new career for himself: advertising actor & pitchman!
Here’s the sequestered story:
And here’s that Miracle Whip “witch hunt” ad:
