(I'm leaving this post as-is to show I got duped too. I guess I wanted to believe.)
I’m afraid it’s true: The USADA has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling. And this is a serious ban. This ban applies to all kinds of cycling, not just racing. He can’t even ever ride a bicycle for exercise anymore: it’s that serious of a ban. So if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong get into and dominate the world of unicycling, forget it. The same goes for BMX biking, both competitive and hobby. And if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong riding around on a Big Wheel or a Green Machine, forget it: they’re technically tricycles, which also qualifies as cycling. Also, no motorcycles, dirt bikes, mini bikes, etc., for Armstrong, as the USADA is very serious about this ban, which will require Armstrong to wear an ankle bracelet with an anti-cycling sensor on it which will blare an ear-splitting alarm sound if he gets within 10 yards of a cycle of any kind, including parked motorcycles, and bicycles chained up to parking meters and such (Armstrong must stay at least 10 yards away from all cycles wherever they may be, even stored in stairwells or just anyone riding down the sidewalk on one).
I’m afraid it’s true: The USADA has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling. And this is a serious ban. This ban applies to all kinds of cycling, not just racing. He can’t even ever ride a bicycle for exercise anymore: it’s that serious of a ban. So if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong get into and dominate the world of unicycling, forget it. The same goes for BMX biking, both competitive and hobby. And if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong riding around on a Big Wheel or a Green Machine, forget it: they’re technically tricycles, which also qualifies as cycling. Also, no motorcycles, dirt bikes, mini bikes, etc., for Armstrong, as the USADA is very serious about this ban, which will require Armstrong to wear an ankle bracelet with an anti-cycling sensor on it which will blare an ear-splitting alarm sound if he gets within 10 yards of a cycle of any kind, including parked motorcycles, and bicycles chained up to parking meters and such (Armstrong must stay at least 10 yards away from all cycles wherever they may be, even stored in stairwells or just anyone riding down the sidewalk on one).
And in probably the punishment that burns the most, Lance Armstrong will be banned from exercise bike use as well, and his name will be stripped from all Lance Armstrong stationary exercise bikes in homes throughout the world. A USADA task force will be sent door-to-door around the entire globe to be sure Armstrong’s name is stripped off of every last exercise bike the world over (your tax dollars at work: but before you whine, just think of all the jobs it will create!). And just to be sure they get them all, the task force will kick in every door and search every home that does not answer the door. The same goes for every gym, office, warehouse, van, truck, or storage space in the entire world. This may seem like government overreach, but performance-enhancing drugs set a bad example to our children, so no effort is too great to stamp them out, from constant harassment and smearing the character of sports heroes to never-ending witch hunts that lead nowhere at great taxpayer expense, and yes, even breaking and entering and defacement of private property, and making America look bad in the eyes of the world by insisting that everyone who wins anything must have cheated without any evidence to back up the claim: sports heroes must be destroyed to prove that performance-enhancing drugs are wrong! Winners might have taken them, so they must be forced to admit they did it, even if they didn’t! Besides, success is wrong, and must be punished! It’s for the children, you see.
Oh, and also by USADA demand, LiveStrong must now change its name to CheatStrong, and nobody else is allowed to beat cancer without being accused of cheating and dragged through the mud. And anyone caught with a LiveStrong bracelet without the word “Cheat” on it from now on will be subject to humiliation on the pillory. And furthermore, Lance Armstrong’s name, by order of the USADA, must be changed to Hypodermic Armsonlystrongfromsteroids.
Now, out of fairness I feel I really must include the fact that Lance Armstrong has not admitted to using banned substances, and he continues to deny the charges. But only a guilty person would do that, right? An innocent man would always admit to whatever the USADA accused them of, because to deny it is tantamount to calling them liars, and that’s just rude.
Here’s the steroidy story:
