Investigations spurred by allegations of doping against
Travis T. Tygart have revealed a stockpile of steroids and a superhero costume
found in a secret storage space rented out to someone who reportedly “looks a
lot like” Travis T. Tygart. It has been postulated by investigators that Mr.
Tygart, the chief executive officer of the USADA, has been secretly taking
steroids in order to have the physical strength to defeat steroid-using
athletes as his superhero alter-ego: Tygar. The superhero costume is orange
with black tiger stripes on it, with a mask that looks like a tiger, and a big
broken syringe on the chest, and “Tygar” written across a cape. It has not been
established yet that the costume is indeed Tygart’s, or that Tygart is using
steroids, but investigators stated: “I mean, what else are we supposed to think
here? Obviously this guy started to see his life as a giant one-man crusade
against steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs, and in order to win
this fight, he got seduced into using steroids himself, like so many athletes
with the ‘win at all costs’ attitude. I mean, you can see from the way he
ruthlessly persecutes innocent athletes that his mind has been twisted by this
obvious fanaticism and obsession with winning, and people like that are
generally the most susceptible to steroid use.”
Still, it has not been explained, if Tygart is indeed using
steroids and posing as a superhero alter-ego, why he seemingly has no bulging
muscles anywhere, although scientists have hypothesized that he becomes hugely
muscular when he puts on the superhero costume, which psychologically triggers
the steroids, so he bursts into a ripped, muscular physique like the guy in the
video game Altered Beast. But whether
this new superhero is Tygart himself, or merely someone else inspired by Tygart
to combat steroid use in athletics, it’s wonderful to have a new caped crusader
afoot in our glorious country to fight against cheating in sports (although it
does not excuse him using steroids himself!). And it’s also possible, however
unlikely, that the stash of steroids found with the superhero costume are
merely the steroids confiscated from cheating athletes by our new hero, and
that he’s not even using them himself, but merely defeating the steroid menace
with the power of his own obsessive personality. And maybe this would make more
sense after all, because it generally does not work to fight fire with fire,
unless it’s like an oil well fire or something, or like maybe a brush fire, or
a forest fire, and you’re fighting fire indirectly with other fire by getting
rid of potential fuel or something. So maybe he doesn’t use steroids.
In any case, we can only hope we will soon see the spectacle
of Tygar the superhero busting his way into athletic competitions as they are
broadcast on television, grabbing cheating athletes and forcing them to confess
to the world that they’re “juicing”! Why, it will be like watching a Batman
movie, except where the bad guys are champion athletes rather than super
villains, and it’s funny, rather than exciting. In fact, why not just make a
superhero movie of Tygar: The Steroid-Smashing Superhero! (And because he’s against “juicing”, maybe the movie
could be sponsored by sugary sodas, or else by Jamba Juice, who says: “Juice
the right way with the all-natural ingredients in Jamba Juice!”)
(Now, naturally I’m just joking here: Tygart is not a
superhero. He only thinks he is.)
