Hey, we all know Leatherface from The Texas Chain Saw
Massacre, right? Well, with horror movies
becoming mainstream like they are nowadays, why not co-opt horror movie killers
to advertise the implements they use to kill people in the movies? So
Leatherface could be shown to be stalking and killing some teenager, and then
he could turn to the camera and say (talking through his mask): “Hi. I’m
Leatherface. (Whatever brand of) chain saws are great for chopping up
teenagers, but they’re also great for lots of other things! They’re great
for chopping down trees to trap unsuspecting motorists on back roads, and for chopping up and removing the downed trees after they’ve served their purpose of trapping your victims (and they show Leatherface cutting through a downed
tree). They’re great for cutting lumber for building projects (and they show
Leatherface cutting lumber and building a makeshift prison cell). They’re great
for preparing dinner (and they show Leatherface chopping up some victim for
meat). They’re even great for chasing away unwanted visitors (and they show
Leatherface brandishing the chain saw at sheriff’s deputies and chasing them
off). Yes, I just love my (whatever brand) chain saw; and you will too! Don’t be caught without one, or you’re dead meat!”
Then, if that worked, perhaps some kitchen knife company
could make a line of Halloween co-branded cooking knives, and have Michael
Myers be the spokesman. He could stalk some teenagers around a house, catch up
with them in the kitchen and kill them, and then turn to the camera and say (without removing his William Shatner mask): “Big kitchen knives are great for
stalking and killing sexually-active teenagers. But they’re also great for
cooking! Carving and chopping up ingredients can be fun and easy with my new
Halloween kitchen knife collection. They’re made of strong stainless steel, and
they stay sharp after lots and lots of use, so there’s no more need to sharpen
your knives between slasher killings and preparing your next dinner party!
That’s Halloween kitchen knives: Buy them, or I’ll come after you!”
And perhaps even Freddy Krueger can get in on the action,
advertising for Vivarin or some such wakefulness product. We could see some
teenager fall asleep, and then Freddy Krueger attacks and kills them, and he
turns to the camera and says: “Want this to happen to you too? The next time
you fall asleep, I just might target you
for death! That’s why you need Vivarin: it helps keep you awake so I can’t kill
you yet. That’s Vivarin: If you want to live, you’d better buy it! Otherwise…
(and he does that finger across the neck gesture that means ‘curtains’.)”
