Brilliant GQ author
Luke Zaleski has set up the perfect trap for Paul Ryan. In suggesting that it’s
problematic that Paul Ryan has “probably” never smoked marijuana (I like how
this author doesn’t know the facts, so he makes them up: very slick and I’m
sure ethical!), he’s basically peer pressuring Paul Ryan into trying pot, just
like some bully delinquent in high school. And this will obviously make Paul
Ryan insecure and feel like a loser, so he’ll just go out and smoke a huge
reefer, whereupon (since marijuana is a gateway drug) he’ll just crave all
kinds of other drugs, and the next thing you know, Paul Ryan will be found by
an investigative journalist all strung out on angel dust, Special K, amyl
nitrite and crystal meth after he fails to show up at the Republican national
convention. And then he’ll have to drop off the ticket, Mitt Romney will lose
for picking such a drug addict as a VP candidate, and President Obama will be
ushered into a second term!
I mean, I’m sure Mr. Zaleski is an unbiased journalist
simply reporting on an important story, but it’s just going to end up helping
the president anyway; you know, by accident. And who can argue with this
author’s point? I mean, screw the issues: America is totally fine, and the only
thing that matters is whether or not our leaders have puffed on a spliff before
(and hopefully done a lot of coke too). F*ck policy, dude, let’s party!
In fact, upon further reflection, I’m not so sure Paul Ryan
should even be allowed to run for VP if
he hasn’t smoked pot before. So maybe President Obama could sign an executive
order that says every vice-presidential candidate must prove they have smoked
weed by coming to the White House and smoking a bowl right there in front of everyone.
Oh, but when he did it, Obama could have the DEA arrest him and throw him in
jail for pot possession! And the whole thing would be a trap, and Paul Ryan
fell for it! What an idiot! If he was a pothead, he would have been way too paranoid to fall for that crap! And that’s why
our VP candidates need to have smoked pot before: so they won’t fall for narc
traps like this! (Iran could dupe him into a narc trap anytime if he won, and
then where would we be without our vice president? You won’t catch Joe Biden
with a narc trap: that guy’s obviously stoned all the time to say all the ridiculous stuff that keeps falling
out of his mouth!) Plus, it’s the vice president job he’s running for,
so he needs to be down with all the vices to be qualified, man! So come on,
Paul: fire up a big sticky spliff right now!
Here’s the political pot-puffin’ peer-pressure piece (it’s a
pretty fun read):
