Democrats have leveled the charge again and again that the
Republicans are waging a “war on women”. But what are the facts? Investigative
journalists have uncovered a clandestine weapons research and development
facility run by the RNC, and it appears their research is going along gender-related
lines. When pressed on this subject, and faced with this evidence, Reince
Priebus, commander in chief of the he-man woman-haters club (also known as the
Republican Party), said: “Okay, so we’re developing weapons that only work
against women, like bombs that only kill women, and gender-sensing bullets that
only target women, but that doesn’t mean we’re waging a war against women. I
mean, have we actually used these weapons yet? No! But it doesn’t hurt to be
prepared, does it? You know: just in case, as a deterrent.”
When asked why Republicans would seek to develop such a
misogynist arsenal, Priebus stated: “Hey, how come women are always attacking
Republicans? They started it! We’re only trying to defend ourselves. After all,
women make up over half the population of the world. I mean, if they attack,
how can we be sure of our survival? That’s why it’s important to have weapons
that only work against women, you know, to ensure mankind’s survival. And if
they want to start something, we’ll finish it!” When pressed that if women were
all gone, how could mankind’s survival be ensured, Priebus thought for a
minute, and said: “Hey, we could always clone each other. I mean, if only
Republicans weren’t opposed to it. Sometimes those guys can be so impractical
and anti-science. I mean… Damn: I knew I’d get smeared if I spoke to the
liberal media! This interview is over!”
