In a shocking and ironic turn of events, the USADA’s chief executive officer Travis T. Tygart has been accused of doping and stripped of all duties until his case can be resolved. This comes directly on the heels of news that Tygart’s relentless persecution of Lance Armstrong finally wore Armstrong down to the point that he finally gave up and said it was no longer worth it to fight the allegations anymore when no amount of proof of innocence is ever enough to end the charges.
Ironically, this victory for Tygart raised some serious red flags with championship athletes worldwide. A high-profile cyclist who competed against Armstrong (who declined to be identified for this report) leveled the accusations against Tygart, saying: “Lance Armstrong is one of the greatest endurance athletes of all time. He can outlast anyone. I tried on many occasions to best him, but I couldn’t. None of us could. That’s why when this guy from the USADA defeated Armstrong in an endurance contest, it raised a lot of red flags for us. I mean, who is this Tygart guy anyway? For a guy like him to outlast Armstrong, I mean, he must be juicing! What else could it be?”
Searches of Tygart’s home and office have not turned up anything incriminating, but that obviously means he is running a very sophisticated doping program. And the fact that Tygart’s name has three capital Ts in it looks bad for him, as a capital T looks kind of like a syringe, and this suggests Tygart may in fact use steroids himself. After all, steroids make people overly aggressive, vindictive, combative, obsessive, and more likely to throw caution to the wind to catch those they are chasing, as evidenced in Tygart’s handling of the Lance Armstrong case. Experts agree that people just don’t so aggressively and ruthlessly pursue investigations like that unless they’re “juicing”, and have “’roid rage”. Unfortunately for Tygart, these suggestions, and how they make things look, are quite sufficient to end his career if USADA decides to make an example of him, which seems only fair under the circumstances. Tygart claimed this whole situation is unfair, but admitted it was at least poetic justice.
(Of course, this is just a joke: Tygart has not been accused of doping: yet!)
