High with power after banning champion cyclist Lance Armstrong from cycling for life, the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency) fixed its gaze upon another group suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs: superheroes. Yes, it’s pretty clear these guys didn’t earn their muscles and superpowers so much as they cheated to get them with steroids, or so claims USADA head TT Tygart, saying: “No, it’s not just that I’m jealous and want to ruin it for everyone: it’s that they’re cheaters, and we must remove cheaters from society! Cosmic rays and Gamma rays and years of training my foot: they’re cheaters and they know it!” And with that, the USADA banned Superman, Batman, and the entire Justice League, as well as The Avengers for life from superheroism. Crime rates instantaneously shot up astronomically, with super villains saying: “Ha ha! Now we’ll take over the world! What a stupid piece of sh!t that guy is! Oh well, just blame him when you’re crying for help, and none ever arrives! Mwa ha ha!” But Tygart responded that we don’t need help from a bunch of cheaters anyway, right before Dr. Doom melted his head off with an energy ray, and right before he was about to ban the super villains too. But we must ban the heroes first, Tygart said, because people look up to them, and they shouldn’t; they should look up to him instead, because he’s the only hero around here that anyone should be allowed to worship. Too bad he didn’t count on the super villains not recognizing his authority. Oh, well.
Reports are swirling that USADA had more anonymous hearsay as “evidence” against the superheroes, and investigative journalists claim these “witnesses” were nothing more than the super villains themselves, who merely wanted to remove their enemies from the fight. Tygart was apparently only too willing to use this underhanded ploy to destroy the heroes merely out of jealousy that he didn’t have big muscles or charisma. But when we tried to get confirmation of this, we were shown the ashes of our former investigative journalists, and told by masked marauders who punched and kicked us: “You’ll never know now, ha ha ha!”
(Yes, I got fooled by Lance Armstrong too.)
(Yes, I got fooled by Lance Armstrong too.)
