Once everyone got over the initial excitement of finally bringing Osama bin Laden to justice, people began to see all the horrible fatal flaws of the mission. If you’ve watched the news at all this week, you would have noticed a definite shift in tone from Sunday night to now, if not practically immediately! Not everyone is happy we even got bin Laden anymore, and if they are, then they’re mad about something else. Can’t our president do anything right to please everybody all at once?
Yes, I’m afraid it’s true: lots and lots of people are mad at President Obama for the way he carried out the mission to get the world’s most wanted terrorist. Some people, including the United Nations, are mad that the SEALs killed their target, saying that it wasn’t very friendly and that they should have been nicer to him. Many liberals are mad that some of the intel used to find bin Laden was gotten through medieval torture devices used by Vincent Price on terrorism detainees, and that since it’s cheating, they should have let him go. Pakistan is mad that we didn’t let them know we were coming so they could have helped warn him so he could get away or something, and that they weren’t given credit for finding and catching him when they really secretly did it all, since they probably knew where he was and were keeping him prisoner all along. Al Qaida is mad too because we killed their founder and “spiritual leader”.
I think President Obama should have to go back and do it again to make up for doing it wrong in the first place, like when a teacher in elementary school makes kids who ran down the hall come all the way back and then walk all that way again just to punish them. He made lots of people mad, so he’s got a lot to have to make up for. The good thing is, with the technology we have nowadays, he can! In fact, I know of a way that President Obama could please everybody all at the same time! How’s that? It’s easy: clone bin Laden!
We got bin Laden’s DNA, right? They said so! So all they have to do is clone a bunch of copies of him, and then they can go back and deal with him again in each of the ways that people have complained that we should have in the first place. Right?
So they should make one clone, and then capture him and put him on trial in New York City, to make Eric Holder and the UN happy. Then some people will bitch about how that’s unacceptable, so for them they can make another clone and put him through a military tribunal. Surely some people will still be mad at him for attacking us on 9/11, so for them we could make a clone and torture him in Bagram and Gitmo. Then, naturally, Pakistan is mad because we violated their sovereignty when we got him, so we can make a clone for them, put him back at the compound, and let Pakistan go get him this time. Then, of course, Al Qaida is mad because we killed him, so we can clone a copy for them too, and give him back to them so that they’ll be our friends again. Of course, this bin Laden won’t know anything about their operations or how to inspire terrorists, but he’ll look good enough alright. And we could also plant some bionic nano-spybot stuff and GPS chips, etc., in the clone, so that when he meets with secret Al Qaida operatives, we can video the meeting, take biometric readings of what they look like, and send in the drone strikes when we find out where they are. There really isn’t much we can’t redo and correct with the kinds of biotech capabilities we’ve got nowadays! So let’s take advantage of it!
Oh, right, and I almost forgot: the Native Americans are mad at Obama because he used the code name “Geronimo” for bin Laden, and that’s offensive. So naturally, we’ll have to make a clone for the SEAL team to go kill again, but this time with a different, less offensive, code name. We can just kill him here in America this time, though. We don’t want to go losing any more top secret technology in foreign countries. Although, honestly, I’m not sure why the military cares if China gets a hold of part of that crashed helicopter in any case: it didn’t really work very well anyway, now did it? I mean, it crashed on its first mission, so I’d say it kinda sucks. Maybe we’d be better off to go “back to the old drawing board” on this one, and let China use the flawed design on their helicopters.
Here’s the Geronimo story:
