CNN reported this morning that people are “addicted to the Jodi Arias trial”. Then they cited the high ratings of their sister network HLN, talked about all the coverage they’re doing over there (“gavel to gavel coverage”, apparently), and spoke to some people who say they’re addicted to the trial. Well, you know what this means, right? We’re going to need some Jodi Arias trial addiction cure centers!
Yes, they really ought to start advertising them now, because the verdict may be in pretty soon. And for people who are badly addicted to the Jodi Arias trial, they’re going to have bad withdrawal sickness from this trial ending! So they’ll have to be rushed to a treatment center, where they’ll be detoxed by watching old DVR recordings from the trial. Then it will be off to a halfway house where they’ll have group discussions about why they all loved the trial so much, but that they now know it was an unhealthy obsession and addiction. And then they’ll be brought slowly down from this “high” of the sensational Jodi Arias trial by first watching recordings of the Casey Anthony trial (you can’t just immediately stop watching sensationalistic murder trials all at once, or you could die!), and then less sensational murder trials, etc. And then patients are weaned off the murder trials with less addictive stuff like burglary trials and armed robbery trials, finally working their way down to petty theft trials, possession of a controlled substance trials, traffic ticket court, and finally, The People’s Court and Judge Judy. But after this treatment, they must avoid watching HLN or TruTV (formerly Court TV) for at least a year, lest they slip back into this unhealthy addictive behavior. And hopefully, after this course of treatment and much self-control, these former addicts can go back to leading a productive life. At least until the next sensational murder trial comes along…
But if this course of treatment does not work, and everyone gets so sick from the withdrawal that even going from one trial to the next trial splashed all across the scandal rags and their television equivalents does not help them live a normal life anymore, we might have to take more drastic action. And you know what that means: We might have to pardon Jodi Arias (or find her not guilty), have her kill someone else (due to double-jeopardy), or charge her for another murder, and try her again for murder! And if people become even more and more addicted to Jodi Arias trials, for the health of these addicts, we might have to declare a mistrial again and again and just constantly and continually try her for murder as a maintenance program for Jodi Arias trial addicts, just like a methadone program for heroin addicts. And then we’d just have to bite the bullet and have her become a career defendant, with her job being to be on trial for murder for the rest of her life. Oh, but then I guess more people would become career defendants, and then they’d form a career defendant union, where it would be against the union rules to ever plead guilty, or be found guilty, etc.
